Between Valentine’s Day and the knowledge that my divorce will be finalized by the end of the week, it’s no surprise that love has been on my mind A LOT over the last few days. The past 6 months have been fairly up and down, with a weird mix of joy, grief, hope, and pain. Mine and Todd’s divorce was unlike anything I was expecting, and I promised I would be as open about things as I could. There was a deep desire to allow others to see this process as much as our hearts would allow, in order to maybe bring some hope to others going through similar changes.
This is a love letter to a past chapter of my life and the man who walked that path with me.
When Todd and I got married, there was a subtle theme of Doctor Who running throughout our wedding ceremony and the celebration that followed. Looking back, I don’t know that I could have picked a better example of love than that to attribute to our relationship.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the BBC show, the Doctor regenerates, and often with his regenerations, his companions change as well. Todd and I always identified with Rory and Amy Pond, the couple that traveled with the Eleventh Doctor and navigated many ups and downs of their own relationship along the way.
Some of the most painful and powerful fictional relationships have come from Doctor Who, and as I sat and cried over countless companions who had to leave the Doctor’s side, I would ask “But why does it have to be over?” Not surprisingly, I’ve been asking myself that question many times the last few months. And the answer I keep coming up with is exemplified (again) in this nerdy show: change is inevitable and growing out of relationships can be a good, albeit painful circumstance. With each regeneration, we get a different part of the Doctor. He (and now she!!!) is never the same person twice. Always growing, shifting, and loving. The loss is part of the loving.
In our vows, I paraphrased the Doctor saying, “We’re all stories in the end and I promise to make ours a good one.” I think Todd and I did that. I will always be thankful for Todd and his role in my life. We got married young and for a lot of the wrong reasons, and some of the right ones. We learned how to communicate, how to be selfless, and take care of another person. We grew up together, gave one another a safe space to become more ourselves, and then we had the courage to realize that the next step was not going to be as companions.
Oh, that step between knowing and doing. It’s a frightening space. That saying goodbye part.
The worst part of Doctor Who is arguably the regeneration scenes. When you know it’s never going to be the same again. The Doctor is becoming someone else that you don’t know, and how, HOW could it possibly be better than what you already know? And then you spend time with the new characters and watch as the Doctor comes into their own. The relationships deepen once more, and you learn more about hope, love, and pain. Eventually, you move forward, but you’ll never forget your first Doctor and companion. It might always hurt a little upon remembering, and I’m learning how to be okay with that too.
So thank you. Thank you to those reading, most of who have supported Todd and me through this process. And thank you to Todd who partnered with me when I needed you most, had the courage to let “us” go, and who has worked hard with me to remain friends through uncharted territory. This is a beautiful beginning, not a tragic end. And I’ll never forget when the Doctor was you. Here’s to the new stories and companions we’ll meet along the way.