Killing My Vampires

The Children’s Lit. Dept. at Hollins has a theme song. Thanks to author Ellen Kushner, our writer in residence, we chose to spend Thursday evenings singing “Die, Vampire, Die!” at the top of our lungs and commiserating about writing, life, and our hyper-active feelings of inadequacy.

When I’m having a particularly rough day, my hubs blasts this through the speakers and it reminds me that I’m not alone. At any given point, our insecurities will rear their ugly faces, filling our head with lies that we’ll never amount to anything. That those deep-in-your-gut feelings are leading you down a path that will:

1) Never amount to anything (Translation: You’ll be homeless within year)

2) Waste your time (Translation: You’re not making any money, why not get a ‘real’ job/hobby/life?)

3) Be unemployable (Translation: Hate every job you’ll ever hold)

Obviously these items are A Variation on a Theme – and maybe I’m a tad obsessed with money…? Not sure. The only thing I’m sure about are these fears that have plagued me since I applied for grad school – no, longer. Since I knew I wanted to be a writer. Give or take 15 years.

I’ll always struggle with these Variations, but I’m learning to trust myself more. Slowly, I’m discovering that my life is worth living on my terms and my dreams are not useless. They add value to my life and make me proud to show others what I create, even when my creations emerge on wobbly, newborn legs. My play (or ‘why would you do that?’ hobbies), bleeds into the rest of my life and I’m no longer forced into a facade of contentment. I can be content with the unknown, with the fears, with the uncomfortable.

How? By pushing forward with my fragile hopes, my dreams that overflow and threaten to crush. Taking deep breaths and gasping through the fear until burns like strength.

Litany Against Fear – Frank Herbert, Dune